Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Who died my cat blue again?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
