i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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