This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
