Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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