Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
