I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
