dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize