i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
