I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize