he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
