I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
