The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
