Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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