New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize