Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
