My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
