my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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