my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
