On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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