I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Someone shattered a urinal.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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