Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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