Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
