bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
