Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
