I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize