im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
