I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize