Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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