lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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