I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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