i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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