At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Randomize
