So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
