I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
