My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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