I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just want nice things and good sex
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
