Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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