We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize