I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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