girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
