I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
