You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
