If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
