swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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