I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
