This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
