better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
