sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
