Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
