I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
