I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
