When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
