i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
