hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
