after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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