I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
