sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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