Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
