Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
