You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
