Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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