no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it was like eating out sand paper
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
