1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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