Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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