I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
