Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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