Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
